


Until My Love Runs Out

by 5_Seconds_of_WUT



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Depression, It's really kinda.., M/M, MAJOR TRIGGER, Self-Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-11 08:54:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2061864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5_Seconds_of_WUT/pseuds/5_Seconds_of_WUT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Um. Not up to summaries.<br/>Ashton has been in love with Luke and those pretty eyes of his since he can remember. But he knows in his heart Luke will never. Resulting in some very bad decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Until My Love Runs Out

**Author's Note:**

> ****MAJOR MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING****
> 
> This is my first kinda FIC thing. Hope you all like it. Kinda dark for a first one but. Eh whatever

Okay. lashton. Or anyone.  
Triggers everywhere. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you Ashton. What the fuck is wrong with you. Why are you such a fuck up. God." I shout to myself angrily as I stare at my broken expression in the mirror.  
My screams echoing through out the empty bathroom. 

God. How did you get to this point? I don't even know anymore. 

Why did you have fall in love.  
In love with him.  
Out of everyone  
He's never going to love you. 

"He's never going to love you." Slips from my lips. The voices in my head being released onto my ears. 

My mind is blurred with self hatred and anger as I open the drawer and find the self-destructive things hidden within it. Wiping away the tears I didn't even know we're falling. 

"I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." I whimper brokenly to the empty walls collapsing onto the cold floor. 

I look up at the ceiling."I hope you know I love you Luke Hemmings. I always have. And will till the day I find out you do too." I whisper. Chuckling at the fact he probably-no- he definitely never will. 

I didn't realize how much I am shaking till I bring the small razor up to my small wrist.  
The small yet deadly piece of metal shaking in my trembling hand.  
"Hello old friend" I say with a twisted smile running a finger across the edge. Not enough to cut me...that's coming soon.  
I take off the bracelets littering my arm to reveal my "masterpiece". Puffy White, pink, red, and purple lines cover my wrist. Some of them quite new...  
'Time to add to the collection'. I joke darkly in my thoughts  
I shake my head at the twisted and horrific mind inside it.  
"I guess this is the all that's left in me isn't it..." Sniffling slightly before.i drag the razor across the already scarred skin. The familiar sting of pain comforting me. I squeeze around the cut I made seeing the spots of crimson surface..  
"Isn't that a pretty one." I say admiring my work. It's somewhat satisfying but it's not enough.  
It's never enough. All I've ever done wasn't ever enough I think as I continue creating more.  
In the midst of my anger I accidentally cut too deep. I laugh at yet another one of my failure.  
"DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID. HAHAHA. ARE YOU PROUD OF ME YET. LUKEY. DO YOU LOVE ME YET? HAHA. NO. CUZ WE ALL KNOW THAT NEVER GUNNA HAPPEN" My hysterical laugh starts to turn to loud sobs as my minds starts to blur with the pain.  
I'm dying.  
I'm actually dying.  
And I'm never going to get the confirmation that Luke Hemmings loved or hated me.  
I guess it's better that way. 

My sobbing gets louder at the realization. My breaths becoming more stresses as I feel the blood flow from my torn wrist. 

 

As I close my eyes and except my fate I faintly hear the door open.  
Luke's home. Shit. Why?  
He'll be so disappointed.  
Actually. He'll probably be so happy when he sees my body.  
Happy that this worthless clingy unlovable being is gone from his life

"Ashton?" He calls as I hear his footsteps approach the bathroom.  
"Goodbye Lukey. I love you. More than you ever will kno-" I manage to get out roughly before everything goes black 

Everything is now muffled 

"Ashton? Asht- "  
I feel someone holding me. Luke? No. Can't be. Now They are shaking me  
"ASHTON. ASH. NO NO. OH GOD NO. PLEASE. DONT LEAVE ME. OH FUCK. NO PLEASE. WAKE UP. WAKE UP. ASH PLEASE. I LOVE YOU. CMON YOU GOTTA WAKE UP. PLEASE. calum. CALUM. CALUM. CALL AN AMBULANCE. oh god please no. Baby you have to stay alive please. I love you Too much. You gotta be okay. You have too No. No-No. P-Please. No. No..."  
He what? No. I want to wake up. Wake up body. Oh god. It's too late. It's always too fucking late. The shaking feeling begins to fade. I'm dead aren't I. I'm sorry Luke. I'm sorry. 

 

I open my eyes to bright beams of the sun through a window.  
"Where am I?" I croak out. Squinting at the bright as a man approaches me.  
"Glad to see you're up Mr. Irwin. You're in the hospital. You almost died because-"  
"I KNOW. I know" I interrupt not wanting to hear it. I'm alive. H-how. But...  
Wait. Where's Luke?  
"Um. D-Did you see a blonde boy come in while I w-was out?" I ask the man who I assume is the doctor.  
"I did! He's actually outside sleeping. He's been waiting out there for the whole time you were here. Kept asking how you were doing every five minutes" the doctor replied in quite a pleased voice. I look out the window and see Luke curled up on a chair. I feel my heart melt.  
Wait. The whole time?  
"How long was I out for?" I ask curiously looking up at the doctor.  
"For a few days. We almost lost you when you got here. You're very lucky that boy brought you here in time."  
"Yeah. I'm extremely lucky..." I say my voice trailing off at the end as my eyes return to the sleeping boy just outside of the room.  
I love him so much...  
'It's too bad he doesn't love you back.'  
Stop. Stop. He said he did.  
I think  
'Ha no he probably just pities you. Ha'  
Stop stop stop st-  
"ASHTON" I gasp in surprise as i am awaken from my thoughts. I look up and see him. My secret love. Dark circles formed under his eyes. Probably from sleep deprivation  
His eyes.  
They're bloodshot. Again probably the lack of sleep. But they're glassy. Has he been crying?  
they're still that blue though  
That sparkling baby blue I fell in love with in.  
That blue that can mend every pain  
Heal every cut.  
Cure my broken mind.  
"H-hi." My voice in a whisper. Giving him a weak smile as I wave noticing the white bandages covering my wrist.  
Then looking back at him. He was staring sadly at my wrists. God. If I hadn't been so stupid he wouldn't have to be here and wait up for me.  
"Oh god. Luke I'm so sorry. I-" suddenly I feel arms around me.  
"No stop. don't apologize. You don't have any reason to. Oh my god. I-I almost lost you. Y-you almost d- I can't even say it. I should've been home sooner. I should've noticed something was wrong. I should've-"  
"Shh" I whisper as I place a finger on his lips and tilt his head up. He looks up at me. His pretty blue eyes glossy with tears.  
"B-But this i-"  
"Shh"  
There are tears streaming down his now pink cheeks. And yet. He is still so beautiful.  
"Lukey..." I say to him quietly pressing my foreheads against his.  
"This isn't your fault. It's mine... For... letting the voices in my head get to me. Please don't cry. Please" I ask gently looking into those eyes. Wiping away the stray tears in the corner of his eyes  
"I-I'm sorry." Luke hiccups wiping more of the tears away. "Just-just why? Why did you do it? Please. I don't want to lose you again. Please".  
I can hear the desperation and sadness in his voice. I want to tell him. So so bad. Tell him it's because of the impossible fantasies and my destructive thoughts and insecurities. And worthlessness and hatred that I tell myself I deserve. The loneliness and loveless days I go through. How I love him with all my heart and soul. But he never will. 

So I do.

He doesn't speak.  
He's dissappointed. I know it. He's probably disgusted at the unfixable and unlovable being I am. I feel the tears start to well up but I don't want him to see so I look down at my bandaged wrists.  
"I knew it." I mumble to my self quickly wiping away a stray tear unconsciously scratching my wrist.  
"How could you ever lo-" I am stopped immediately as I feel a hand cups my face and lips pressed against mine.  
My eyes widen in shock. What. What is happening. Is. Is he kissing me.  
I realize what's happening and kiss him back. Everything I've ever read about is real. The fireworks. The butterflies.  
He's so gentle and his lips are so soft. And it's everything I dreamt it would be.  
He pulls away only to wipe away my tears I didn't even know were falling. He looks at me with those eyes. A soft expression on his face as he runs his thumb across my cheek  
"Ashton Fletcher Irwin. I love you. I've been in love you since I saw you in the hideous purple shirt." He says with a small laugh happy tears in his eyes. "Okay? I love you so fucking much. And I'm-shit. There is no way sorry can even explain how terrible I feel for saying those things that led you to do this . I'm fucking sorry. I love you so much. Too much maybe. But. could never ever hate you Ash. Never ever..."  
I can feel my self shaking as I hug him tightly. Sobbing into his Neck.  
'He loves me. He loves me.'  
Is all I can think as I cry tears of happiness.  
"I love you so much. Luke Hemmings. More than you'll ever know. You know?" I chuckle weakly. The biggest smile I've had in months on my face as I look at him  
"I know." He smiles backs as he kisses my forehead gently. 

He's happy  
And for the first time in a long time

I am too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Hope you all like this. Comment or leave kudos. OR BOTH!


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